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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24649432">say goodnight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hairtiesoncuffs/pseuds/hairtiesoncuffs'>hairtiesoncuffs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the way your love made me feel (human) [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Denial, F/M, Falling Out of Love, I have no idea, I think that's it - Freeform, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, Romance, how do you tag, idk - Freeform, is that a tag, oh right there's finally no panic attack, okay okay okay uM, okay sorry i'm done goodnight, peter just needs to stay away for a second, um</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:07:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,678</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24649432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hairtiesoncuffs/pseuds/hairtiesoncuffs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On October 17th, she was brought back with billions of other people. Michelle knows this, remembers the feeling of her body coming back together, like a puzzle, landing on her knees and gasping for air, not seeing any of the people around her as they did the same. She remembers the ground shaking shortly after that, being thrown harder into the sidewalk, but she was alive again. Michelle could see and hear and smell and taste and feel again and oh. Oh, it was too much. She’d just sat there on the sidewalk as the Compound blew up and Peter fought against Thanos and his forces, fought for his life and hers and to keep everyone alive. </p><p>inspired by the song 'say goodnight' by labrinth</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the way your love made me feel (human) [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1752070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>say goodnight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>you know when you read someone else's version of a character and you're just like oHHH THAT'S SO GOOD that happened<br/>i'm so sorry it's so bad<br/>ugh i don't even like it that much but anyway enjoy i guess</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She doesn’t cry about it. Seriously, she doesn’t. It’s hard for her mom to believe, she knows, because when her mom bangs on the door and asks what happened, Michelle’s so tired she sounds like she’s been crying. Heavy voice, whispering and raspy, but it’s just because she hasn’t talked. Not to her mom, not to Peter since she faced him that morning in an oversized T-shirt and sweatpants in the hallway to her apartment and told him that she couldn’t, that being in love with him was the best but…</p><p>(She didn’t just tell him. Michelle yelled at him, screamed for him to go away, grabbed the collar of his shirt and whispered, tears glistening in her eyes, to him that he had to go, that they were done.)</p><p>Michelle knows he’s going to be upset. He hadn’t shown it when she talked to him, didn’t ask why like she expected him to. The look on his face when she did so wasn’t heartbroken, it was sad (for her, for her, for her) and somehow that’s worse than him yelling at her, trying to make her angry, asking for answers and reasons before she slammed the door and slid down it, back pressed against the metal door and sinking to the tiled floor of the entryway. (She deserves it.)</p><p>Guilt piles up on her chest, weighing her down and making it almost impossible to get out of bed.</p><p>Three months. Thirteen weeks. Ninety-one days. Two thousand, one hundred and ninety hours. One hundred and thirty one thousand, four hundred minutes. Seven million, eight hundred and eighty-four thousand seconds. She can never get this time back. She’s spiraling, falling down and backwards into every moment she spent with Peter, with her hand in his, over at his apartment, her lips pressed against his…</p><p>A scream starts, low in her gut, pressing upwards and floating, clawing, getting stuck in the back of her throat as she deletes Peter’s number, despite it being ingrained into her head. It doesn’t matter; she’s never going to call him again. This is a typical thing, she thinks, that people do after a breakup. Right? Delete their number?</p><p>(But these people, they are not in her situation. They don’t break up with someone because they are afraid to love them. They do not break up with someone because they can’t handle loving someone. They do not break up with someone because if there’s anything she was taught by what happened to her mother, to be loved is to give someone power over you. If you are loved by someone and you love them in return, they will find your weaknesses, creep into your head until every action, every thought is influenced by their love.</p><p>Michelle is aware that this isn’t quite accurate, but at the same time she’s gasping for breath and watching the bed crumble under her hands and toss her into someone’s arms and they might be Peter’s and-)</p><p>She deletes the contact and watches as she is thrown into the rest of her contacts, this being her mom, Mr. Harrington, Ned, and May. It’s a list she never has to scroll through, one that’s short enough she can memorize every number there, and one that will only get shorter over time. It might be logical to delete Ned’s number too, considering he’s best friends with Peter and won’t want to talk to Michelle, not after this. (He has never spoken to Michelle. Peter has.) She should get rid of May’s as well, leaving it with her mom and Mr. Harrington. Two people. How long, she wonders, are other people’s contact lists? Surely there’s a spot for a mom and a dad and a sibling, if applicable, a friend or confidant and classmates because group projects are a thing and then cousins and camp friends-</p><p>Michelle has severe doubts that other people have their teachers in their contact lists. But she’s AcDec head, it makes sense that she has the number. It’s not for anything else, obviously. So the one personal relationship she has stored in her phone is her mom. </p><p>(How did she end up in this position again?)</p><p>Ned’s number disappears. May’s number disappears. She is left with two contacts, gray circles where photos should be. All her contacts with photos are gone. (All of the contacts that were for <em> her </em>are gone.)</p><p>Sometimes, Michelle wonders if she’s okay. If it’s normal to live without personal connections, to have one person to care about that she doesn’t even trust that much. If it’s normal to detach from the world and keep to herself and speak out the way that she does and if it’s okay for her to hurt people the way that she does. If it’s normal to be someone like her.</p><p>It’s probably not, but she can’t get into that right now.</p>
<hr/><p>On October 17th, she was brought back with billions of other people. Michelle knows this, remembers the feeling of her body coming back together, like a puzzle, landing on her knees and gasping for air, not seeing any of the people around her as they did the same. She remembers the ground shaking shortly after that, being thrown harder into the sidewalk, but she was <em> alive </em>again. Michelle could see and hear and smell and taste and feel again and oh. Oh, it was too much. She’d just sat there on the sidewalk as the Compound blew up and Peter fought against Thanos and his forces, fought for his life and hers and to keep everyone alive. </p><p>Ten days later, on October 27th, she went back to Midtown and put her mask back on for the four days before the weekend. She appeared completely normal, as if none of this fazed her, and watched Ned and Peter hug at the end of the hallway and turned away. She hadn’t known that Peter was Spider-Man just yet, but she was still suspicious. No one said a word to her. She didn’t draw anyone. Drawing people in crisis didn’t seem as funny a concept anymore.</p><p>(January 22nd, Peter has a panic attack.)</p><p>It’s about three months after they return when they start dating. January 25th, to be specific. Or, at least the idea is formed. Peter does ask her out, she does say yes, but she goes to his apartment when they have an unusually warm day in February. There’s not really times before that for her to think much about it, she and her mom are still trying to settle in a little and she’s not comfortable presenting herself as part of a couple to the entire school so she and Peter don’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day, unlike a couple of other people at Midtown. </p><p>February 17th. It’s a warm day, she goes to Peter’s apartment, she has a good time. Nothing much. </p><p>February 29th. Their first real date. She knows she’s in love now.</p><p>March 8th. She has a panic attack, this time.</p><p>March 15th. Flash slaps her. Peter is angry, he’s so angry, but it’s at Flash for touching her. No other reason.</p><p>March 23rd. She meets the Avengers. They are kind and funny and they care about Peter.</p><p>March 26th. They fly. She laughs and is painted by the stars.</p><p>April 1st. She gets the worst April Fool’s prank ever (it’s not a prank).</p><p>Yesterday was April 5th. This is when she broke it off.</p><p>Today is April 6th. It is a Saturday. She has spent the entire day in the dark and quiet and stillness of her room.</p><p>Tomorrow will be April 7th. She has that one day to get over Peter Parker.</p><p>(Michelle doesn’t know if she will get over this. She will spend hours going over the motions that lead her to here, to this moment, boneless on her bed and too tired to cry.)</p>
<hr/><p>“Michelle. Come out of your room.”</p><p>“How about… I don’t.”</p><p>“Michelle.”</p><p>“Mom.”</p><p>“I’m coming in.”</p><p>“The door’s locked.”</p><p>“Are you serious?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Open the door. Right. Now.”</p><p>“I really don’t want to.”</p><p>“Michelle Jones.” </p><p>“Fine.” </p><p>She drags herself out of bed, feet heavy as she takes her first steps in over twenty-four hours. Michelle opens her door, putting her exhaustion on full display to her mom, who only wraps her in a tight hug. </p><p>“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, bringing Michelle even closer. </p><p>“It’s not your fault,” Michelle manages, voice raspy.</p><p>“I’m the one who’s taught you to always be afraid of love,” her mom counters. (She smells like vanilla.) “I’m the one who always told you that you had to be careful.”</p><p>Michelle’s breath shudders. “For a good reason.”</p><p>“There’s no excuse for what I’ve done. You- you’re in high school, you should have chances to fall in love (and care about people).” The unspoken words hang in the air, tangible to her because she knows all her mom wants is her to be normal and not… not this version that can’t concern herself enough about anything. </p><p>“I’ve never had a crush before him,” she says, instead of trying to assuage her mom’s guilt.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I’ve never cared about anyone else like I did for him.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I’ve never loved someone like him.”</p><p>“I know, baby.” Her mom sways a little, pressing Michelle’s head into her shoulder. “I know.”</p><p>Her face crumples and she cries into her mom’s shoulder, for once not having to be the strong one in this relationship. She’s not the pillar today. It almost feels even better than being in love.</p><p>Almost.</p>
<hr/><p>The first time she sees Peter after… what happened… it’s in school. Thankfully, it’s not a one-on-one encounter but just the sight of him is enough to make her breath catch in her throat. </p><p>(If she talked to other people, if she had other friends, they would try to help her. They would tell her to avoid him, if this were a normal situation. But it’s not. And she doesn’t.)</p><p>He doesn’t see her, just keeps going to his next class as Michelle shoves a book into her locker and stops for a minute, just to assess herself and what feelings are associated with him. Guilt, obviously, but she wouldn’t feel guilty if she didn’t care about him, right? As a teammate and classmate, sure, she cares about him but not as her boyfriend. That’s over. She’s done with that.</p><p>(Isn’t she?)</p><p>Michelle shakes her head, trying to slip back into the self she presents to other people, the side that doesn’t care or worry and is just so (not her) much better than who she truly is. She knows she opened up and said that only her friends called her MJ, knows that almost everyone in the school calls her Michelle, but maybe it’s because she wants Michelle to be more like MJ and to lose herself in someone better that everyone else sees except for her.</p><p>Then Ned taps her on the shoulder, dragging her out of her thoughts. She turns around, making sure her expression is that of boredom. “What do you want, Leeds?”</p><p>“Can we talk?” he asks. </p><p>“Don’t you have class?” she retorts, voice sharp. </p><p>“I have study hall, same as you. So don’t give me an excuse, like you have to go help organize books in the library.” He pauses. “You don’t, right?”</p><p>“I could,” she replies, shutting her locker. “You never know.”</p><p>He looks put out for a second, then blinks and meets her eyes. There’s a bit of worry in them, and coupled with the hurt look on his face, there’s not really a way for her to say no. She has to face it sometime. (Michelle can’t just go around, still in love with Peter even after she was the one who broke it off. The best she can do right now is convince everyone else she is surrounded by is that she doesn’t give a fuck.)</p><p>“Fine,” she says. “Come on, let’s go get library passes from Mr. Cobbwell.”</p><p>He takes her to the alcove in the hallway outside the library and then demands to know exactly what happened. “Why did you break up with Peter? You guys were going so well and I know you’re not the kind of person to break up with him because he almost died so <em> give me a reason </em>.”</p><p>“You want a reason? Maybe it’s because I realized I’m not going to be in love with someone who was just going to throw his life away at the drop of a hat.”</p><p>“Is that it? You’re afraid to love him?” Ned asks, almost incredulous.</p><p>“I’m not afraid to love him. I don’t (want to) love him because (of how afraid I am to love him) he deserves better than me.” Oh. </p><p>Well. She didn’t mean to say that.</p><p>“Peter loves you, MJ. He’s so head over heels in love with you and he’s blaming himself for all of this, did you know that? He thinks it’s all his fault.”</p><p>“I made it sound that way, didn’t I.” A bitter laugh escapes her. “You can tell him it’s nothing he did. It’s all on me. Now, I have to go help organize books in the library.” MJ leaves, not turning back to see the look on Ned’s face as she does so and instead chooses to block out the world and her feelings by hiding in the back of the library and taking in the calming smell of books and paper until the bell rings.</p><p>(Of course, she comes between Ned and Peter anyway. She doesn’t want to be the reason, she said that she couldn’t be the reason, but here she is.)</p>
<hr/><p>When she gets home, her mom is still at work and Michelle is so tired and done with the world and feeling things she decides to drown herself in homework until her fingers are cramping from writing so much and the white of the paper and the black of the questions is the only thing she can see. It’s past six at this point, meaning she’s been doing homework for well over two hours. Glancing down at the desk, she doesn’t even remember writing her essay for history class. There’s three pages, double sided, neatly stacked on her desk. She’ll scan them tomorrow and upload it to Google Docs, then check for errors during study hall. Or detention. Michelle might just fall back on that habit now that she doesn’t have time with Peter to look forward to now. </p><p>(Why does he keep slithering into her head? Is this what she’d thought earlier, that every thought, each action, was going to form with adherence to Peter?)</p><p>Michelle just wants a moment where she’s not thinking about this. She can finally understand the other people, understand why they won’t just get over whoever dumped them because love is such a fucking drug and she wishes she’d never tried it. Michelle still wants to love Peter, still does, but she has to detach. She can’t let this control her for the rest of her life. Her mom let go, why can’t she?</p><p>(It took years and years for her mom to realize what her father was really doing. A couple more years for her to really let go. It’s not expected of Michelle to do it in a few days.)</p><p>She goes to YouTube because she’s not going to bother her mom by asking for Spotify or iTunes or something like that, and pulls up ‘O’ by Coldplay. Then, with the music firmly wrapping around her head and burrowing into every corner of the room, Michelle goes over to her bed and falls asleep.</p><p>She doesn’t dream of Peter.</p>
<hr/><p>Academic Decathlon is rescheduled for April 20th. </p><p>She slams her textbook down on the table, effectively garnering everyone’s attention. “Listen up, team. We’ve got two weeks exactly to get ready for this. I’m trusting all of you have been keeping up with lectures and studying, correct?” Nods of assent from around the table. “Good. Because if we want to win this competition, we better be ready. No more goofing off during practices. We’re taking this seriously.”</p><p>“But it’s still excused if we don’t win, right? I mean, with everything that happened, there’s going to be exceptions,” Flash says, staring her right in the eye.</p><p>“If we don’t win, that might be okay with you. However, we won last year and I don’t think you want to hand that title off to another school, do you?” she returns. “If you want to slack off, we can always let someone else take your spot, Flash.”</p><p>“No thanks,” he says.</p><p>“Good.” MJ looks around the table, not meeting Peter’s eyes. “Now, we’ve got a practice to go through.”</p><p>She throws herself into her work, into practice, into drilling each and every one of her teammates until they’re practically begging her to finish the session. Flash is even whining about it, but she… (She has to distract herself somehow, right? If she’s taking it out on other people, that’s bad. But if it’s also for their own benefit, is she so wrong?) Ned is the only one to give her sympathetic looks, rather than the suppressed anger of nearly everyone else. She doesn’t even try to read what Peter’s face is saying, can’t because she’s not looking at him.</p><p>“Good work,” Michelle says finally, almost fifteen minutes after practice was supposed to end. There are sighs of relief and Mr. Harrington, who’s been silent the whole practice pulls her aside as the rest of the team step out.</p><p>“Mich- MJ?” he asks quietly, “a word, please?”</p><p>She allows him to take her by the arm and take her over to the wall. “Yes?”</p><p>“I’m glad you’re working so hard in the practices and to prepare for the competition, but don’t burn yourself out, alright? Did anything… happen?” The tone of his voice hints that he noticed the way she didn’t meet Peter’s eyes, not once, during the practice when usually she’ll send him a few annoyed glances when Flash is acting up or someone’s just being dumb in general. </p><p>Michelle shakes her head. “I’m fine, Mr. Harrington. I just wish we’d gotten the notice about the competition being rescheduled sooner, so I wouldn’t have had to push so hard in today’s practice.” He still doesn’t look convinced. “Thankfully, everyone seems like they’re ready so it’ll probably just be review and mock-competition from now on.”</p><p>“If you’re sure,” he says. “Just, if anything is too much, tell me and I’ll step in to help, alright?”</p><p>Her smile is bitter. “Of course.”</p><p>Mr. Harrington nods, just once, before stepping out of the room again. “Oh, thank you, Peter,” he says, and Michelle almost freezes.</p><p>“No problem, Mr. Harrington,” Peter answers, his voice all innocent like he’s not doing anything, as if he’s not trying to talk to MJ (to <em> Michelle </em>). “Have a good afternoon.”</p><p>“You too, Peter!” he calls, shoes tapping against the floor as he walks out. </p><p>She forces herself to turn around. “What do you want?” MJ snaps, glaring at Peter from where he’s holding the door. </p><p>His response is already spilling from his lips. “I know you’re mad at me, and it’s totally justified, and I know that you don’t want to see me or talk to me, but can you just listen for a minute? Look, MJ, I’m so sorry that I put you in that position and that you had to worry about me and that I almost, you know, <em> died </em>but that’s just the line of work I’m in. And I don’t get paid nearly enough for it.”</p><p>“You don’t get paid at all,” she mutters, not meaning to respond to him but <em> this </em>is who Peter is. He can talk to anyone, MJ swears.</p><p>“You’re right, I don’t get paid, and I just- that’s not where I was going with this at all. I want to apologize and tell you that you’re right, that it is my fault and that you shouldn’t have had to deal with that. Alright? I know you’re not going to forgive me, that this won’t be a kiss-and-make-up scenario but I wanted you to know.” Peter takes a deep breath. “I wanted you to know.”</p><p>“I’ll tell you one thing. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who broke it off, okay? It’s on me, it’s my fault, I did this, it’s my cause and effect. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s me. So shut up and leave me alone,” she says, low and dangerous. Her eyes flick up for less than a second, brown eyes meeting brown eyes before she turns back to her flashcards and taps them on the table, neatly organizing them in a stack. “Don’t talk to me unless it has to do with school or AcDec. Nothing personal. We’re past that.” MJ zips her backpack up, swings it over her shoulder, and leaves the room without another word.</p><p>She walks home, like usual, and waits for someone to try and mug her, she’s always going to be the victim of something like that, just so she can feel anything other than the clawing, numbing, emptying feeling in her chest. Unfortunately, MJ isn’t so lucky.</p><p>Eventually, she just stops walking, leans against the side of a building and tries to breathe. Who knew that emptiness could take up so much space?</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> Michelle flew out the door as soon as she heard the knock, nearly hitting herself in the face with the force. “Peter, I swear to God, I will slap you. Get out.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What, no ‘I’m glad you're not dead’ card?” Peter joked, misinterpreting her anger. “It’s okay, Michelle, I’m okay.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Shut up and go the hell away,” she snapped, glaring at him. The soft smile that had been gracing his face fell. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “MJ, what-?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You can’t, you can’t do that to someone,” she said. “You can’t just almost die and then treat it like this!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey, no, it’s okay, this has happened before-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “That’s not helping you!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Peter took a deep breath, looking Michelle in the eyes. “I didn’t want to hurt you, or worry you, I don’t mean to. It’s just how it happens, for me, you remember when I told you about Parker luck?” </em>
</p><p><em> “Do you remember when I told you that you were an asshole?” she asked, knowing her voice is getting louder with emotion but she can’t </em> stop. <em> “Because if you don’t, here’s a reminder.”  </em></p><p>
  <em> “Why are you so upset with me?” </em>
</p><p><em> “I can’t do this, Peter, every time you don’t answer for days- because this has happened before -but then I get a call from Pepper telling me you almost </em> died <em> and how am I supposed to take that?” She was shouting now, nearing screaming. “Am I just supposed to wave that off and say, ‘oh, yeah, that happens’ because this isn’t a normal relationship, Peter! I care about you, dipshit, and if you’re really going to do this-” She choked on a sob. </em></p><p>
  <em> “MJ, no, you’re not, I know this isn’t a normal relationship, but MJ, please, we’ve made it work, it works. I don’t know why you’re so upset but if you would just talk to me,” Peter said, his brown eyes big and sad. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She shook her head. “No, it doesn’t- I can’t- why would I not be upset, you almost died, I don’t want to just get a phone call telling me that you almost died.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He took one of her hands, gently rubbing his thumb across her palm. “I know. I get it. It’s happened to me before, except those were… you know. Just calm down, okay, I’m okay. It’s okay.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She jerked backwards, tears glittering in the dim lighting of apartment hallways. “Are you telling me that I should be grateful that I haven’t gotten calls telling me you were dead? Are you kidding?” Then, she grabbed Peter by the collar and hauled him to her level. “We’re done, Peter. We’re done.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Wait, MJ, we don’t need to break it off. I’ll be more careful, I promise, you don’t-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It’s too late,” she whispered. (Too little, too late.) “We’re done.” She slammed the door shut behind her, counting on the thick metal to muffle the sound as she slid to the floor and cried. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>They win Academic Decathlon. </p><p>MJ, for all of her preparing and testing and grueling practice sessions, wasn’t expecting this. She’d just been setting herself up for disappointment, again, and somehow it wasn’t delivered to her.</p><p>At least, not right away.</p><p>The bus ride there is noisy and loud and she just sits in the back and lets her team have a break because if she drilled them one more time she’d probably get thrown out the window. Her book, ‘The Power of One’, sits in her lap and remains unopened during almost the entire ride. People-watching, she could say, but that’s not it. </p><p>Instead, her head is resting against the window and she’s ignoring the vibrations as she stares blankly ahead, refusing to feel anything during this entire competition because Peter’s here and she can’t mess this up. She can throw herself into practice and the competition while they’re here instead of focusing on the in-betweens. So she does. The team doesn’t notice, just sees her as they always do: a stone-faced leader who doesn’t take no for an answer.</p><p>(MJ can feel herself trying to compensate for the lack of emotion by having outbursts at night, the ones that she does her best to quell, when she’s in the hotel room alone because there’s an odd number of girls and no one really wants to be in a room with her anyway.)</p><p>The day of the competition hits her right in the face in the form of her nearly walking into the doorway of her room as she heads out because Peter is there. He meets her eyes for just a second, nods, and then moves on. That one interaction nearly messes her up for the rest of the day (which, unbelievable, Michelle Jones getting like this over a boy) but she manages, just continues to pause her feelings until she’s safe.</p><p>Ned is the one to answer the last question and win for them. After that, the rest of the trip is just kind of a blur for MJ (because she can’t handle this much feeling right after the breakup as she doesn’t know what to do with it, because she has always been praised for being quiet and more mature than her classmates when really she has just learned to stay silent after a while, because she is behind in dealing with her emotions and doesn’t truly know how to process them or make them go away, so she covers herself with MJ and becomes this sarcastic person who still can’t shake her need to tell the truth and she is in the middle of a fog made up of her feelings and no matter what she tries- She. Can’t. Get. Out.</p><p>But there is a way to ignore the fog, and she does. She does it a little too well, perhaps, and ignores what the fog conceals as well.</p><p>Then the fog is gone and May is in its place.)</p><p>“MJ? Is your mom coming to get you?”</p><p>She answers without even thinking about it. “No. She’s probably getting home from work around eleven, so I’ll just walk home.”</p><p>“You know, you could come with us.”</p><p>This snaps MJ out of whatever daze she’s been floating in. “Oh, uh, no thanks, I’m okay. I do this all the time.”</p><p>May looks at her. “That’s not exactly safe, MJ.”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess, but I’ve been doing it for years,” MJ responds, shrugging.</p><p>It’s clearly not what May wants to hear. “Come on. I need to talk with you anyway.”</p><p>Peter looks at her once, then back at May. “So I was thinking we could go to that Thai place for dinner, if you wanted.”</p><p>“Good idea, MJ, if you want to join us?” She can see what May is trying to do. It’s not going to work, she doesn’t need to talk to Peter again. She’s said everything she wanted him to hear. (But not needed, never what she needs.)</p><p>“No, no, that’s okay. I don’t want to intrude and I still have homework,” MJ says, a little frantically. </p><p>“If you’re sure…” </p><p>“Yeah. It’s fine. Don’t worry about me.”</p><p>The walk to Peter and May’s apartment isn’t far, much closer than their old one when Peter had to ride the subway to school. (MJ’s own apartment didn’t change, her mom changed instead and got five years older while MJ was gone. Her mom never talks about that time.) May drops Peter off there, then breaks the tense silence that had been settled over the group as soon as he leaves by turning to MJ. “You know he thinks it’s his fault.”</p><p>MJ nods, throat already closing with tears.</p><p>“What you said to Peter, it really hurt him. You’re- you’re a good kid, I don’t know why you would say something like that to him and then basically cut off all communications,” May continues, staring at her. “What happened?”</p><p>“It was right after Pepper called me,” MJ blurts, the words suddenly running out of her mouth. “It was right after she called me and I couldn’t do anything to help him but in relationships you’re supposed to look out for each other, I think, but what would I know, I’ve never actually seen a normal relationship. My father was a complete asshole and abused my mom for years so I’ve always been so sheltered from loving people and I know my mom didn’t want to do that to me and didn’t want a daughter who’s broken and can’t love right but that’s just how I took what she told me and so many people are mad at me and I can’t fix it because I’m so blunt and harsh all the time and I hate it so much but I can’t stop. I said what I said to Peter because I can’t be in love with him, I can’t, I love him too much to be in love with him because I’m so scared he’s going to get hurt again and there’s going to be nothing I can do. I, I’m afraid of being in love, if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t.” She looks at the ground, refusing to meet May’s eyes. “It’s my fault, it’s not his, I’m the one who’s too weak to be in a relationship with him and he deserves someone so much better than me and what I can give him.”</p><p>(This is it, this is the tidal wave of emotion she’s been trying to hold back with just a couple of sticks.)</p><p>May wraps her in a hug, hugs her and brings her close to her, hugs her in the way that someone who is used to hugging people can do (and it’s so unlike her mom’s hugs, which are always so hesitant) and all MJ can do is try to pull herself back together again. “No, MJ, you’re perfect the way you are.”</p><p>(She’s not, she’s really not, she’s damaged and insecure and just a project for people to work on and try to fix but nothing else can be done.)</p><p>MJ pulls back. “Sorry,” she says, and since she can’t think of anything else, “sorry. Sorry, I didn’t want to burden you with this. Just, I’m sorry.” Then she runs, leaving May on the sidewalk as she goes back to a home and a bedroom that has seen her for Michelle too many times.</p>
<hr/><p>Despite every cell in her body screaming that she is human, MJ goes through her days as if she is not. She is a being incapable of feeling, one that is programmed to a schedule and must follow it every day. No disruptions, only adjustments. </p><p>It works, at least for a little while.</p><p>She gets her work done. Makes sure her grades don’t drop. Doesn’t interact with anyone besides her mom, and even that morphs into shorter and shorter periods of time. It’s not healthy, but it works for her so she doesn’t fight it. MJ holds this up for about two weeks, from April 21st, when she talks to Peter’s aunt and it ends May 4th, where she finally caves and feels all of her supports collapsing. There are times where it threatens to crumble, but she manages.</p><p>The closest call is April 26th, when they have their final AcDec meeting and of course, it’s a celebration. Betty and Ned and Peter apparently arranged the whole thing for the team as a congratulations and to MJ as a thank you for her being their captain. (She can’t escape the way Peter’s eyes go after her. May must have told him.</p><p>Shit. She doesn’t need him knowing, doesn’t need that in his head, tucked away for when he can use it against her.)</p><p>MJ still doesn’t want to feel and keeps her front up, makes sure that she <em>can’t</em> feel and fakes every bit of emotion that crosses her face, allowing nothing more than a smirk at the rest of the team and just a small thanks to Betty for the party. The rest of the team is obviously having a great time, Mr. Harrington is congratulating them all on a great victory and their second trophy, all while MJ stands in a corner and watches the people she had lead to a win without meaning to not need her or seek her out at all. It only contributes to the screen she is now viewing life through.</p><p>(Peter is the only one to look at her during the entire thing. She can’t decipher the look on his face and doesn’t want to in case he blames her like he should.)</p>
<hr/><p>Michelle goes out that weekend in May, on the 4th, and buys a new sketchbook. It has a black cover, much like her other one, but the purpose is different.</p><p>Every page of it is Peter. Every page has a drawing of him in some form, either as himself from what she gets in school or what her memories tell her or the news reports about Spider-Man that she gets. She spends hours that weekend just drawing him over and over and over again. (If love is an addiction, why can’t she just get over this?)</p><p>Every time Peter steps into her mind that weekend she draws him. It’s cathartic, in a way, as if she’s ridding herself of him. Putting the parts of him that have been stuck inside her somewhere else.</p><p>(She’s going to burn the sketchbook, she thinks, as soon as it’s full, as soon as she finishes it. By then she will be over him. She will have no need for him anymore and she will burn the sketchbook as a final form of release.</p><p>Spoiler alert: Michelle never finishes it. There is a blank page that Peter will one day use to draw her. They will not burn the sketchbook.)</p>
<hr/><p>Final testing is more stressful than MJ remembered and she’s in the library, tucked into one of the corners no one visits during study hall when she hears Peter.</p><p>“You remember AcDec?”</p><p>“Yeah, what about it?” That’s Ned.</p><p>“So May decided we were going to walk MJ home since her mom wasn’t coming to pick her up, and like, I knew her mom was busy but not that busy. Anyway, she had me go home and when she came back she told me that she had a talk with MJ.”</p><p>Suspicions confirmed.</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“She blames herself too.”</p><p>“She told me.”</p><p>“And I just- it’s not her fault. May told me that MJ sees it like it was all her doing, but I’m the one who was careless enough to almost get killed, and <em> that’s </em>the reason MJ broke up with me.”</p><p>“Peter, no, that’s not it… is it?”</p><p>“May said that she was afraid to love me, which is stupid. I don’t understand why she can’t take chances. I know I’m her first, but she can’t, like, throw that away, can she?”</p><p>“You told me that she’s also been taught by her mom to be cautious about love, right?”</p><p>Michelle regrets ever talking to Peter about that. God, now they’re just going to use it as a crutch, as an excuse for her behavior when that’s not it. She’s just a bad person, she can’t handle being loved and that’s all there is to it.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah… but it can’t be serious, right? Just like, the normal precautions with maybe a little extra.”</p><p>“Didn’t you say her parents were…”</p><p>“Mhm. Her dad was kind of a piece of shit.”</p><p><em> Kind of? </em>At least she didn’t get into specifics with him. Just the overview. Not the begging, not the whispers, not the tears.</p><p>“Is it possible her mom taught her to always look for signs of that?”</p><p>“I guess.”</p><p>“And that because of that, since you’re her first crush, that MJ doesn’t exactly know how to deal with all of that because she’s never been in love before? Like, she misinterprets a couple things and is, as May said, afraid to be in love with you because she doesn’t want to go in too deep and end up in the same position as her mom?”</p><p>Leave it to Ned to figure her out. Great. There’s a few beats of silence before Peter answers. </p><p>“You think that’s it?”</p><p>“It makes sense, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“It, it does. God. That’s why. Holy shit.”</p><p>“Peter, it’s just a theory. It might not be it.”</p><p>“But it makes so much sense.”</p><p>Michelle covers her face with her hands. No, no, she doesn’t need them figuring it out. She doesn’t need understanding, doesn’t need forgiveness, just wants Peter to hate her so she can hate him back. (Why won’t he let her hate him?)</p><p>“Thanks, Ned.”</p><p>“No problem, man. Try to get her back, if you can. I miss her. She was, she was good. Nice to have around.”</p><p>“I’ll try.”</p><p>She assumes they’re doing their handshake by the sounds of skin on skin she hears. Peter’s footsteps retreat and she’s left there, hidden by bookshelves, to prepare a response for the inevitable confrontation Peter’s going to gift her with.</p><p>(Why did they have to figure her out?)</p>
<hr/><p>Music helps (it always does).</p><p>Michelle makes a playlist.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxsvYyYJuXs">Lost My Mind</a>’ by FINNEAS.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYcm3EeyF84">temporary nothing</a>’ by mxmtoon.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mnQ7Pkt4ro">I Don’t Want To</a>’ by Alessia Cara.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4NGmeZdxdk">Spaceland</a>’ by chloe moriondo.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbokXheXhxY">Only</a>’ by RY X.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0Vz5-dCAzk">Fake Heartbreak</a>’ by Audrey Mika.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG-erEMhumc">you broke me first</a>’ by Tate McRae.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTbBqZ4HCDU">Not Part of the Broken Hearts Club</a>’ by mimi bay.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIUCW8reUBE">Die Alone</a>’ by FINNEAS.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CV8ASesmrWQ">Blueberry Skies</a>’ by Audrey Mika.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzjUs5yR68o">SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK</a>’ by Joji.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY8RD2sz-CE">Match In The Rain</a>’ by Alec Benjamin.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8Kp523Ii0g">Forever &amp; Always</a>’ by Zeph.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShNlwj_20dY">4712</a>’ by Audrey Mika.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9256X67IQdQ">midnight love</a>’ by girl in red.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpnWnpfJVq4">Life Moves On</a>’ by FINNEAS.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6m1j31yZ-w">Kids Are Alright</a>’ by Tate McRae.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKlgCk3IGBg">Waves</a>’ by Dean Lewis.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvwnIZX-1cs">Where’s My Love</a>’ by SYML.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy7LkrlJzmM">Oh My God</a>’ by Alec Benjamin.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mryeWxUCO6k">Luck Pusher</a>’ by FINNEAS.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8_mJMar8Fg">dont fall in love lol</a>’ by Tate McRae.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvBkVb2JxxY">what are you so afraid of</a>’ by XXXTENTACION.</p><p>‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLXuTtD3y4k">Say Goodnight</a>’ by Labrinth.</p><p>And, of course, ‘<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gA3H3clEqk">O</a>’ by Coldplay.</p><p>She could go on. She falls asleep.</p>
<hr/><p>Michelle tried so hard. She tried so hard, and that’s what matters, right? That she did her best? But that’s about tests, about quizzes, about her grades and not if she succeeds on tripping off the road that leads to love and past that, broken hearts. Except, somehow, her heart wasn’t broken, only cracked and letting little bits of her love for Peter ooze out until the crack was healed, until she finally allowed herself this and admits it to an empty room.</p><p>(She’s still in love with Peter Parker.)</p><p>“I’m still in love with Peter Parker.”</p><p>It’s almost as if she’s been holding her breath and now she can finally inhale again. She hasn’t made everything okay, not yet, but Michelle has fixed one thing within herself and hopefully she’ll be able to figure the rest of it out. </p><p>(She’s been in love since before they started dating, been in love after she broke it off, she’s never actually stopped being in love. It’s terrifying, she knows, but Peter isn’t that type. She’s known him since they were freshman, she’s watched him for years. Michelle can protect herself as well, this isn’t something to be afraid of. She thinks. Yes, she will be wary, probably for the rest of her life, but this is… this is okay. It will be okay.</p><p>Michelle realizes she’s never used like when referring to her and Peter’s relationship in her head. Sure, she’s said it out loud plenty of times, that she liked Peter, but she has never said it internally. It has always been love. Always.</p><p>What does this say about her? Is she ready or just going too far or fucked up enough that she can’t untangle her emotions or tell one feeling from the next?</p><p>Or is it that she’s just known, all along, that this was stronger than a normal crush?</p><p>There’s so much to figure out that she can’t do just on her own.)</p><p>When she makes dinner that night, her mom walks into the apartment just as Michelle is dumping farfalle into a bowl. “Do you want some?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Pasta. Want some?”</p><p>“Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.” Her mom takes off her shoes and leaves them in the tiled entryway. “Do we have marinara?”</p><p>“I think so. If not, is pesto okay?”</p><p>“Pesto’s fine. Thank you, Michelle.”</p><p>“No problem.” </p><p>They sit down five minutes later, both of them slowly eating food and waiting for the other to speak. Finally, as Michelle’s about halfway through her bowl, she looks up and says, “So. I had a revelation today.”</p><p>“Oh? What was it?”</p><p>“I’m still in love with Peter.”</p><p>Her mom looks up at that, expression sharp. “You’re what?”</p><p>“I’m still in love with Peter, Mom.” Michelle rushes on, goes blindly ahead before her mom can say anything. “I know what you’re going to say, that I have to make sure this isn’t just… that, but, Mom, I know myself better than anyone does and I know him and I do still love him. I think, if we start talking again or something, we don’t have to go anywhere, but I can’t,” she takes a deep breath, meeting her mom’s eyes, “I can’t just sit here in denial for the rest of my life.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to, Michelle, but you have to be sure. I don’t want you getting into anything like where I was,” her mom says, meeting her eyes. “I don’t care who you love as long as you’re safe.”</p><p>Michelle gets up from the table to hug her mom, a few tears getting lost in her mom’s thick hair. “I am. I know I am. He… the way he would look at me, it made me feel special. Like I was here so that I could be more than another person. Does that make sense?”</p><p>“Yeah. It does, believe me, it does.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Hey, Peter.”</p><p>“MJ?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s me.”</p><p>“Oh, uh, hi. Look, I just want to apologize, I get that it’s weird having me as a boyfriend and I promise I didn’t mean for any of that to happen-”</p><p>“Peter. It’s fine.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I mean, no, it’s not okay but, uh, you’re forgiven.”</p><p>“I, I am?”</p><p>“Yeah. I overreacted, you didn’t deserve any of that. I was just… I was scared. Of losing you. I’ve never been the best at figuring things out around relationships, so. I just really wanted to apologize.”</p><p>“What? No, MJ, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”</p><p>“You couldn’t exactly help it. I’m sorry, though, for how I reacted and what I said. You don’t need to forgive me, I just wanted you to know.”</p><p>“You’re forgiven anyway. I kind of figured that’s how it happened anyway.”</p><p>“Oh, so you know me now?”</p><p>“You’re saying those months meant nothing to you?”</p><p>His tone is teasing, but Michelle can’t help but feel gutted by it. “No, that’s not what I was saying. Please don’t make me feel like shit, Peter, I know what I did.”</p><p>“No, no, sorry, I didn’t realize. Are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m getting there, I think, I just wanted to make sure we could be on good terms before the trip.”</p><p>“Oh, right, that. I need to get a list of stuff to pack…”</p><p>“I have one, if you want me to text a picture to you.”</p><p>“That would be great, thanks.”</p><p>“No problem.”</p><p>There’s a beat of silence and a bit of shuffling on Peter’s side before he speaks again. “Are we still friends?”</p><p>“Yeah. Friends.”</p><p>“Alright. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”</p><p>“See you tomorrow, loser.”</p><p>Michelle hangs up, letting the phone drop on the bed before covering her face with her hands to hide the smile that’s forming.</p>
<hr/><p>A few weeks later, they will go on a trip to Europe and Peter will tell her he still loves her and Mysterio will wind up being a villain and he will die and Michelle will hug Peter as he limps towards her, bloody and injured but alive, so alive it will hurt to breathe. She will apologize for snapping at him on the bridge and she will have admitted her faults to part of the Academic Decathlon team and they will see her, they will really see her for Michelle and not MJ. He will hug her and the moment will pause as they are surrounded by wreckage and drone bits and the mace she tossed to the side and-</p><p>She will love him and he will love her back and there will not be one cell in her body that doesn’t want it.</p><p>But that’s for later.</p>
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